Wholesale Cremation Creations
How to Help Grieving Children
Answer the questions they ask. Even the hard ones.
Kids learn by asking questions. When they ask questions about a death,
it's usually a sign that they're curious about something they don't
understand. As an adult, a couple of the most important things you can
do for children is to let them know that all questions are okay to ask, and
to answer questions truthfully. Be sensitive to their age and the
language they use. No child wants to hear a clinical, adult-sounding
answer to their question, but they don't want to be lied to either. Often
the hardest time to be direct is right after a death. When a child asks
what happened, use concrete words such as "died" or "killed" instead of
vague terms like "passed away." A young child who hears his mother
say, "Dad passed away" or, "I lost my husband," may be expecting that
his father will return or simply needs to be found.
Give the child choices whenever possible.
Children appreciate having choices as much as adults do. They have
opinions, and feel valued when allowed to choose. And they don't like to
be left out. For example, it is a meaningful and important experience for
children to have the opportunity to say goodbye to the person who died
in a way that feels right to them. They can be included in the selection of
a casket, clothing, flowers and the service itself. Some children may also
want to speak or write something to be included in the service, or
participate in some other way.
After a death, having choices allows children to grieve a death in the
way that is right for them. Sometimes children in the same family will
choose differently. For example, one child may want pictures and
memorabilia of the person who died, while another may feel
uncomfortable with too many reminders around. If you are a parent, ask
your child what feels right to them. Don't assume that what holds true for
one child will be the same for another.
Talk about and remember the person who died.
"My daddy tickled me. He danced with me. He read to me." Sarah, 9
Remembering the person who died is part of the healing process. One
way to remember is simply to talk about the person who died. It's okay to
use his/her name and to share what you remember. You might say,
"Your dad really liked this song," or "Your mom was the best pie maker I
know."
Bringing up the name of the person who died is one way to give the
child permission to share his or her feelings about the deceased. It
reminds the child that it is not "taboo" to talk about the deceased.
Sharing a memory has a similar effect. It also reminds the child that the
person who died will continue to "live on" and impact the lives of those
left behind.
Children also like to have keepsakes of the person who died, such as
objects which hold an emotional or relational significance. When his
father died of a heart attack, Jeremy, 12, asked if he could have his
Dad's work boots. Although they were old, worn out and too big for his
feet, they served as a memory of all the times his father had taken him
to the construction site where he worked. Tom, 16, wanted to keep his
dad's flannel shirt, which he wore on father-son fishing trips. Now Tom
wears it when he goes fishing.
Recognizing that each person grieves in his own way is essential to the
healing process for a family. Listen to children talk about their feelings
and watch their behavior, and you will help clarify and affirm these
natural differences.
Respect Differences in Grieving Styles
Several months after her Dad died of a heart attack, 7-year-old Jenny
told her peers in a grief support group, “I have lots of tears inside, but I
can’t get them out as easy as my Mom.” Children often grieve differently
from their parents and siblings. Some children want to talk about the
death, while others want to be left alone. Some like to stay busy and
others withdraw from all activities and stay home. Younger children may
be clingy, whereas teens may prefer to spend time on their own or with
peers. Recognizing and respecting that each child grieves in his or her
own way is essential to the healing process for a family. Listen to
children talk about their feelings and watch their behavior, and you will
help clarify and affirm these natural differences.
Listen without Judgment
One of the most helpful and healing things we can do for a child is to
listen to his or her experiences without jumping into judge, evaluate or
fix. Well-meaning adults often try to comfort a child with phrases such
as, “I know just how you feel,” or, worse, advice such as “get over it” or
“move on.” While our intentions to soothe a grieving child are correct,
using such responses negate the child’s own experiences and feelings.
If a child says, “I miss my Dad who died,” simply reflect back what you’ve
heard, using their words, so they know that they’re being listened to.
Use open-ended questions such as “What’s that been like?” or “How is
that?”; children are more likely to share their feelings without pressure
to respond in a certain way. This is just one way we can validate their
experiences and emotions, helping them regain a sense of safety,
balance and control.
Hold a Memorial Service and Allow for Saying Goodbye
Allowing children and teens to say goodbye to the person who died is
important in beginning the grieving process. A service enables children
and teens to see how valued and important the person was to others
and know that grieving the loss is okay. Before the service, let children
know what is going to happen, who will be there, where and when it
takes place and why it’s important. Children who are prepared with this
information are able to make the choice about attending the funeral.
Should they choose not to participate, invite them to create their own
commemorative ritual or activity for saying goodbye—planting a flower
or tree, holding a candle-lighting ceremony.
Take a Break
Children grieve in cycles. For example, they may be more inclined to
play and divert their focus from the death when the death is recent and
parents are grieving intensely. More than adults, children need time to
take a break from grief. It is important to know that it’s okay to take a
break. Having fun or laughing is not disrespectful to the person who
died; this is a vital part of grieving, too.
The Dougy Center
Answer the questions they ask. Even the hard ones.
Kids learn by asking questions. When they ask questions about a death,
it's usually a sign that they're curious about something they don't
understand. As an adult, a couple of the most important things you can
do for children is to let them know that all questions are okay to ask, and
to answer questions truthfully. Be sensitive to their age and the
language they use. No child wants to hear a clinical, adult-sounding
answer to their question, but they don't want to be lied to either. Often
the hardest time to be direct is right after a death. When a child asks
what happened, use concrete words such as "died" or "killed" instead of
vague terms like "passed away." A young child who hears his mother
say, "Dad passed away" or, "I lost my husband," may be expecting that
his father will return or simply needs to be found.
Give the child choices whenever possible.
Children appreciate having choices as much as adults do. They have
opinions, and feel valued when allowed to choose. And they don't like to
be left out. For example, it is a meaningful and important experience for
children to have the opportunity to say goodbye to the person who died
in a way that feels right to them. They can be included in the selection of
a casket, clothing, flowers and the service itself. Some children may also
want to speak or write something to be included in the service, or
participate in some other way.
After a death, having choices allows children to grieve a death in the
way that is right for them. Sometimes children in the same family will
choose differently. For example, one child may want pictures and
memorabilia of the person who died, while another may feel
uncomfortable with too many reminders around. If you are a parent, ask
your child what feels right to them. Don't assume that what holds true for
one child will be the same for another.
Talk about and remember the person who died.
"My daddy tickled me. He danced with me. He read to me." Sarah, 9
Remembering the person who died is part of the healing process. One
way to remember is simply to talk about the person who died. It's okay to
use his/her name and to share what you remember. You might say,
"Your dad really liked this song," or "Your mom was the best pie maker I
know."
Bringing up the name of the person who died is one way to give the
child permission to share his or her feelings about the deceased. It
reminds the child that it is not "taboo" to talk about the deceased.
Sharing a memory has a similar effect. It also reminds the child that the
person who died will continue to "live on" and impact the lives of those
left behind.
Children also like to have keepsakes of the person who died, such as
objects which hold an emotional or relational significance. When his
father died of a heart attack, Jeremy, 12, asked if he could have his
Dad's work boots. Although they were old, worn out and too big for his
feet, they served as a memory of all the times his father had taken him
to the construction site where he worked. Tom, 16, wanted to keep his
dad's flannel shirt, which he wore on father-son fishing trips. Now Tom
wears it when he goes fishing.
Recognizing that each person grieves in his own way is essential to the
healing process for a family. Listen to children talk about their feelings
and watch their behavior, and you will help clarify and affirm these
natural differences.
Respect Differences in Grieving Styles
Several months after her Dad died of a heart attack, 7-year-old Jenny
told her peers in a grief support group, “I have lots of tears inside, but I
can’t get them out as easy as my Mom.” Children often grieve differently
from their parents and siblings. Some children want to talk about the
death, while others want to be left alone. Some like to stay busy and
others withdraw from all activities and stay home. Younger children may
be clingy, whereas teens may prefer to spend time on their own or with
peers. Recognizing and respecting that each child grieves in his or her
own way is essential to the healing process for a family. Listen to
children talk about their feelings and watch their behavior, and you will
help clarify and affirm these natural differences.
Listen without Judgment
One of the most helpful and healing things we can do for a child is to
listen to his or her experiences without jumping into judge, evaluate or
fix. Well-meaning adults often try to comfort a child with phrases such
as, “I know just how you feel,” or, worse, advice such as “get over it” or
“move on.” While our intentions to soothe a grieving child are correct,
using such responses negate the child’s own experiences and feelings.
If a child says, “I miss my Dad who died,” simply reflect back what you’ve
heard, using their words, so they know that they’re being listened to.
Use open-ended questions such as “What’s that been like?” or “How is
that?”; children are more likely to share their feelings without pressure
to respond in a certain way. This is just one way we can validate their
experiences and emotions, helping them regain a sense of safety,
balance and control.
Hold a Memorial Service and Allow for Saying Goodbye
Allowing children and teens to say goodbye to the person who died is
important in beginning the grieving process. A service enables children
and teens to see how valued and important the person was to others
and know that grieving the loss is okay. Before the service, let children
know what is going to happen, who will be there, where and when it
takes place and why it’s important. Children who are prepared with this
information are able to make the choice about attending the funeral.
Should they choose not to participate, invite them to create their own
commemorative ritual or activity for saying goodbye—planting a flower
or tree, holding a candle-lighting ceremony.
Take a Break
Children grieve in cycles. For example, they may be more inclined to
play and divert their focus from the death when the death is recent and
parents are grieving intensely. More than adults, children need time to
take a break from grief. It is important to know that it’s okay to take a
break. Having fun or laughing is not disrespectful to the person who
died; this is a vital part of grieving, too.
The Dougy Center